


and you come tumbling down

by meclanitea



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen, it just follows Banri going thru a bad day, mentions of losing appetite and not wanting to eat, no beta we just die, not a healing sort of fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25947280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meclanitea/pseuds/meclanitea
Summary: And it’s not like he asks to feel this way. He knows damn well that he’s got it better than a lot of others, but goddamn, he just feels so fucking empty and he doesn’t know how to make it stop.--Banri has a bad day.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	and you come tumbling down

**Author's Note:**

> Just reiterating the warnings for depictions of depression as well as having problems eating (though not necessarily an eating disorder). Lots of swearing as well. Disclaimer that I don't think this is a healthy way to deal with mental illness. 
> 
> Vent fic. It's hard to admit you're Banri kin about the things that hurt you the most. Also, I don’t think Banri thinks badly about any of them regularly, he’s just going through it. I don't recommend reading this if you're going through it as well.

It’s an ungodly hour to be awake but after tossing and turning for several minutes, and even though he hasn’t rubbed out the crusts in his eyes, Banri knows he won’t be able to sleep again any time soon. It’s a gut feeling he knows well and he’s already dreading the rest of the day ahead of him.

His phone won’t ring for 3 more hours and while there is the off-chance he might be able to squeeze in an hour of shut-eye within that, it’s highly unlikely. He decides he’ll take the risk of waking up late if he can avoid getting a headache from the shitty tune he uses to make sure he’s determined enough to shut it the fuck up.

After he turns off all 5 of his alarms (Ha! And the geezer says he doesn’t try hard enough to get out of bed), he starts going through his mobile games, eventually picking the one that requires the least concentration to play.

_ Tap. Tap. Tap. _ He’s glad there’s no event happening right now because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to think about it.  _ Tap. Tap. Tap.  _ He just does enough to get his daily rewards.  _ Tap. Tap. Tap. _

He collects what he needs, but instead of a sense of accomplishment, he feels empty. He clicks his tongue.

"Shit," Banri mutters under his breath.

If he complains loud enough, it’ll wake up Hyoudou and they’re gonna fucking go at it and make his already horrible mood even worse.

He ruffles his hair and bites his lip to stop a tired groan from coming out. "Fuck. It's that again."

\--

Just like he predicted, he ends up staying awake until he has to go down for breakfast and it feels fucking awful. Banri’s stomach is churning with hunger but he also doesn’t want to eat at all.

As his luck would have it, of course most of the students are up by now and are all gathered around the dining table. There’s a steady stream of chatter as Omi serves up fried rice and sausages when Banri enters the vicinity. A wide range of ‘Good Morning’s are said and he hopes his yawns are enough to hide the lack of enthusiasm in his responses.

“Banri, here you go,” Omi says, smiling as he hands him a plate.

While he usually would sit anywhere, he situates himself away from those more likely to talk him up. Yuki and Azami are always good choices for this, and fortunately, there’s a seat right in between them. 

There’s an art in making it look like you’re eating a lot when you’re not. He needs to get enough to make it look like his plate is full. The rice comes first. Even if he gets less than a cups-worth, if he spreads it enough, it’ll cover at least half. Arousing suspicion from Omi, who diligently looks over how everyone eats, would surely lead to some sort of confrontation. It's also better to avoid having . That guy is unexpectedly perceptive and would surely ask, albeit indirectly, about it. He's glad for once it's only him and Kazunari at Amabi, that's less people he has to evade.

He'll get hungry later but he just can't stomach anything now. He has to concentrate on not being too quiet because everyone here notices when you're even a bit off. They know each other well enough for that. It's his default to react loudly and he wishes he was kinda like Masumi or Hisoka so that he'd get away with being quiet.

It's as noisy as it always is but somehow this morning, it's almost unbearable, and it’s only his first human interaction of the day. Getting angry would just cause unneeded tension that'll put more eyes on him. He wants to grit his teeth.

If people notice, they’ll try to help. That’s all good and all, and Banri appreciates the sentiment even though he’d find it hard to say so out loud, but sometimes he just needs space from everyone else. Their good intentions won’t really do anything. He’ll just be pressured to somehow feel better when he can’t. 

Hyoudou appears and Banri is sure that he’ll head straight away to school after eating. Now’s Banri’s chance. “I’m done. Kazunari, you can go ahead, there’s something I need to check out before my first class.”

“Aye, aye, Settsua!”

He stops by the entrance hall to grab his outside shoes before hurrying back to his room.

\--

The first class of the day has come and gone. It’s only math and Banri can easily make do without it. One of his friends messaged him an hour ago asking where he is and that they signed his name for him. He lies and says he couldn’t wake up on time but he’ll try to go to the next one. 

Well it’s not totally untrue, he did go back to sleep and had just woken up.

The clock reads 10:30 and he should go now or he might run into the part-timers setting up lunch. There’s still hours before his next class but better go now than have his roommate spot him leaving later. He does not need an interrogation from anyone.

When he’s far enough from the dormitory, he lists down all the places he could brood alone that no one from his company will go to. His old comfort places used to be cafes but he’s introduced a lot to Tsumugi since then and he’s not familiar with the tutor’s current schedule.

Maybe if he goes to a library, no one will find him there. He’s got to be where they least expect it.

It annoys him that he has to take so many precautions when he’s the kind of guy that just goes for something. He’s not scared. He’s - well, he doesn’t know what he feels. All he knows that it’s fucking bad. And it’s not like he asks to be this way. He knows damn well that he’s got it better than a lot of others, but goddamn, he just feels so fucking empty and he doesn’t know how to make it stop.

Sure he's had better days since he started in Mankai but at least before, when he had the bad days come, people knew to leave him alone. Well, the bad days used to be even worse before, but now the bad days make him feel guilty for existing at all.

When he gets to the library, he immediately plants his face on his arms on top of one of the far-end tables. It’s only been an hour since he had woken up but his whole body just won’t listen to him. It won’t let him sleep when he wants to and won’t let him stay awake when he needs to.He feels like he's Hisoka, just on the verge of knocking himself out anywhere. He feels so, so tired. The sleep doesn't feel like rest. It just feels exhausting.

The sad thing about it is that it’s routine at this point.

Skipping school to nap his troubles away had pretty much been a habit back before he started hanging out with Sakuya and Masumi. Now, they're more frequent during the times he has no shows to do. He can always pour himself into other things but it feels too much like the past of aimlessly doing shit just to feel.

He's scared that one day acting won't give him the same thrill, that he'd get tired of it just like how he feels lukewarm with almost everything else.

Red-orange sun rays blind him when he’s finally up. Banri is sure his hand has left an imprint on his face but he can’t find it in himself to care. Surprise, surprise, he didn’t make it to his other class either. Good thing his friend from earlier isn’t his classmate there. They might ask Kazunari if something is up and that’s more people to explain to if he gets caught.

His stomach rumbles and he realizes he hasn’t eaten since his meager attempt that morning. It makes him sick to think of having to eat at home right now. The convenient store is his best bet right now. He’ll just get anything to fill up his stomach no matter how tasteless it’ll be. Snacks to munch on later will be good too.

\--

It’s late when he gets back in. No one’s in the lounge except for the director all cuddled up in one chair, working(?) on her tablet.

She looks up at him with wide eyes. “Banri-kun! Welcome home, you’re late today.”

He shrugs. “Had things to do.”

Izumi is usually an obstacle on days like this. It doesn’t seem like it, but she sees through everyone, even when they don’t want her to. Fortunately, her workload must be urgent as she just nods in acknowledgement, whereas any other time, she might probe a bit more.

Hyoudou is already in bed when Banri enters their room. He sighs in relief. He drops his backpack by his desk and climbs up his bunk, not even bothering to change his clothes. 

“Please be okay tomorrow,” he chants to himself over and over again.

In the end, he sleeps again, just hoping tomorrow will somehow be better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you have a better day.
> 
> twt: meclanitea


End file.
